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[18 Feb 2004|08:23pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | hello - evanesence ] Okay, because of lack of time, I'm just going to update with what I wrote in my paper journal today: 2-18-04 I asked Amber for help last night. I can't do this on my own anymore. I want to get better, I want to be able to eat again, but I know that won't happen unless I get help. It's like, I want someone to find out so I can openly talk about this, but I'm still scared to death that someone will find out. I know, it's crazy right? But i'm just so tired of this. I dont want to run to the bathroom after every time I eat. I dont want to cut myself because I broke my fast, or because I had an extra hundred calories that day.I dont want to wake up at 3:30 a.m anymore to run off all of my daily calories. I just don't want this anymore. But no matter what I do, I still look in the mirror and see a huge, huge person. I mena, I don't kow if it's an illusion or if it's real any more. You know what sucks? when you totally junk out at lunch, and your going to the bathroom to get rid of it, and your friend decides to go w/ you. Ha, our class is so fucked up. Alyssa had to go to the bathroom, and our teacher wouldn't let her, so the whole class started singing the 'gotta go right now' song. How stupid can they get? Then when she got back they sand the 'and I don't have to go right now' song. Okay, if my scale is right, I weigh about 114-115. I want to weigh 100 by summer vacation. Which is 3 1/2 months away. So I would have to lose roughly 5 lbs. a month. I think that I can do that if I restrict like crazy and fast a little bit. I guess that for right now, my goal is to just stop throwing up. I have to take it one step at a time. I konw if I just start eating normally again and stop purging all at the same time, it will just keep comeing back. So no, I'm not going to try that. 1 can't forget| let it all fall

[17 Feb 2004|10:05pm] I love Amber, so much more than she will ever know. let it all fall

[17 Feb 2004|05:30pm] My mommy bought me the Evanesence CD for Valentines day...along with chocolate *yuck* But its all good cus I got my CD! I went shopping last weekend and ordered 'Wasted' so it should be in by Saturday and my mommy is gonna take me to get it. I got some new clothes at the mall, mostly for summer though. Lets see..I went to go see Sherri yesterday and me and Dani were going to walk across the pasture and road to go to a dry field, so we started going across the pasture..but to get all the way across, you have to go across a ditch thing. So after like 10 minutes of trying to get my horse across the ditch, I got off and walked her down the mud..through the water..and up a muddy hill...IN MY SCHOOL SHOES. So yes, this morning I was wearing mud caked shoes to school. Man, I was having the worst chest pains today. Like, I could feel my heart beeting in my stomach and it was beating really really fast...I felt like I was going to pass out all day. Yeah, it was no fun. But I didn't eat anything on Monday at all or today until I got home, so I think that's why it hurt so bad. So when I got home, I ate a sandwich and a granola bar. It made the pain stop a little bit. Ugh, I wish my body wasn't so stupid. let it all fall

[14 Feb 2004|10:43am] [ mood | calm ] HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! it's snowing outside...so even if I don't have anything to do on Valentines day, it's going to be great 3 can't forget| let it all fall

[11 Feb 2004|07:37pm] [ mood | blank ] I'm not gonna be on for a couple of days...so don't miss me too much! lol Tomorrow after school I'm leaving to go to San Antonio for a horse bowl comp. and then we'll get back friday night...Saturday I'm going to ashtons to get ready for the dance (which I don't have a date or a group of friends to go with)and then we're going there saturday night. Sunday I have a meeting thing to go to, and then I'm doing something on Monday, but I can't remember what! Hm..yeah, so that's my weekend in a nutshell, kids. let it all fall

[09 Feb 2004|06:58pm] Yuck. I'm sick. Blah, it sucks. I woke up this morning and it felt like I had strep or something. Then I went back to sleep till 4 and when I woke up I had the biggest stomach ache in the world. Then that changed into a migrane and it just sucks. I feel like I'm going to die. But I am definitely going to school tomorrow. I hate being absent. I went to my awards banquet last night and won 5 awards! I got 2 13 and under pleasure equitation awards, one 17 and under pleasure equitation award, 1 saddleseat and pleasure equitation award, and one pleasure equitation work out reserve award. It was awsome and so much fun! Surprisingly enough....those things are never fun, but last night man, whoa. Hm...lets see, I'm going to Oklahoma Cintennial this year! Squee! Can't wait, but I have to skip choir uil to go to it...so ms.newby is going to be one pissy choir teacher. God, I know there's more I have to say but i can't remember for the life of me what it is! let it all fall

[04 Feb 2004|07:15pm] [ mood | guilty ] [ music | building a mystery ] I'm goin' to Dani's tonight! Woot woot, I get to get out of my hell hole of a house! I think my mom is going through menopouse or something. In the weight business, I have ballooned up to a unbelievable 113 lbs. So my plan for being 104 by Celebrity Ball has basically died. I'm giong to do some serious restricting though. No more of this snacking bull shit, and especially how much I've been eating at lunch! It's just fucking disgusting. Seriously.It's no wonder I dont have a date to the dance. lol. Well I need to go get packed. Love you! let it all fall

[03 Feb 2004|06:01pm] Meh, I still hate my mom...not quite as much, but we're not really on talking terms. She did buy a treadmill though, so now I don't have an excuse to be lazy cus I don't have to go to the track. We went and bough my celebrity ball dress last night. It's really pretty! It's pink w/ a black sheer over it and it has a slit up to the knee. then it bunches up at the waist. and it's spaghetti strap. It's pretty. Whoo, I'll update later, I gotta go! let it all fall

[27 Jan 2004|06:59pm] God damn, I wish my mom would have never fucking had me I fucking hate that bitch! She needs to go fucking die! I am never going to get to see my horse again, or show another horse again, or talk to any of my barn friends again, and it's all her fucking fault. She's a fucking bitch and doesn't care about the effects of what she's doing are having on me. God, I can see my horse maybe once a week, or every other week....if I'm lucky. We have an awards banquet on saturday, and guess who'se not fucking going? Yeah, that would be me. "it's too far and I dont have any gas" well it's only fucking tuesday! That doesn't mean youw ont have any gas on Saturday! Then, anne finally calls me, I havent talked to my best friend in 3 WEEKS and she wants me to go to the barn tomorrow. So I told her I'd try to find a ride. I called my dad and he said he'd take me, but he couldnt' take me home. So I asked my mom if she's meet me at Big Daddies BBQ when I was ready (its only fucking 15 minutes away!) but NOOOOOO she can't do one fucking nice thing for me for once. So now I can't go out on Wenesday or saturday. Surprise, surprise. My fucking god, I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I didnt have to put up with her shit anymore. I do so much fucking shit for her, I clean her whole house, including ehr room and bathroom, every single day, and she can't even drive 15 minutes away for me! Oh my god she pisses me off so much! I wish I wasn't fucking alive anymore. let it all fall

[24 Jan 2004|02:30pm] okay, I know this is late...and I already went to your party, but since my computer was dead on your bday... HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMBER!!! I LOVE YOU!!! 1 can't forget| let it all fall

[19 Jan 2004|06:39pm] My weekend went as follows: Saturday: Woke up at 8 to get to the barn by 9...got there around 9:10. Shoveled some hay so we weren't walking around in mud, then we painted the mares barn. We got in a huge paint fight and I still have paint in my hair. Went home then went to the barn in Sachse where Sheri is. Brushed her up and turned her out in the pasture. Sunday: Went to Dani's party with a whole bunch of people I dont know. Had soooo much fun. We got in the hot tub (more about that later) and William and John Michael kept jumping in the pool. Then william would come and sit really close by me because he knew I was freezing...right after he had jumped in the freezing pool...yeah, it was really mean of him! Then me, Kate, Chris and Rachel stayed the night at Dani's. Monday: Me and Dani woke up and went out to the barn in Sachse. We rode Sheri and Sarah Lee...and made a friggin' funny video of the new barn. We are going to be professional film people! Then we went to Taco Bell and spoke spanish to the people at the register thing while wearing our tiaras! Then we went to Tractor SUpply and my mommy bough me a new curb chain...and now I am here! So okay, on Saturday, I went to Dani's house early cus she needed em to help her decorate. So I went over there and her sister looked at me and said 'oh my god Brandi, what happened to you?" lol, so I was like ' what are you talking about you crazy person' so she comes up and grabs my hips and she's all ' Your waisting away!' haha yeah, it made me laugh an immense amount. Because it's very very very false. So we decorated and then everyone came over and I played fooze ball and lost incredibly bad. it was propostorous. So we were all getting bored and Dani decided it was time to get in the hot tub. I swear it was the most humiliating thing I've ever been put through. Remember how I said I was starting my water fast? Ha, well that went down the drain. i had let myself baloon up so much..I weigh 114 right now. Terrible? Yeah. So I was wearing my bikini in front of a ton of people, including william. Luckily, Sherry came and put shampoo in the hot tub, so you couldn't see anything. And if you couldnt' tell, i like William a lot. lol. This probably sounds so incredibly gay! But I have been under so much stress lately and I have been crying so much, and every time I'm around him, I'm actually happy and relaxed. It's crazy, though...cus Ive known him since like 2nd grade. But unfortunately, I'm not like my incredibly fortunate and amazing friend, Amber, and I don't ever have a chance with the guys I like. So, because I have been being such a loser, I have set a new goal. I want to lose 10 lbs. by Valentines Day. That would put me at 104. I highly doubt it will happen, but it's better than saying I want to lose 20 lbs.! let it all fall

[15 Jan 2004|09:55pm] [ music | My immortal - evanesence ] Woo hoo, we found a neato barn for Sheri! It's called Happy Acres (sounds like a mental house or something) but it is so awsome and nice and pretty. It's in Sachse which is like 5 minutes away, so I'll be able to go out there a lot. We got a phone call yesterday from our barn owner that said everyone had gotten kicked out of the barn, and we had until noon today to get out or everything would be pad locked in. So poor Debbie was working all day and night yesterday and today to get everything out of the barn, including the horses. We're gonna go out on Saturday to surprise her by helping her clean up the whole barn. I'm at a pretty good weight right now...actually it's terrible, but for how much I've been eating it's good. I weigh 112..and I'm going to go on a fast for as long as I can bear it. Starting tomorrow morning, water only. let it all fall

[11 Jan 2004|10:56am] I think I've finally caught up on all my sleep lately. Yesterday I slept from like 5 - 9 and then went to sleep until 10:30 this morning...I bet I'll end up falling asleep again during the day too. So are you supposed to weigh more when your on your period? or less? I dont know, but it seems like the less I eat, the more weight I gain! Rawr...it makes me mad... I want amber to get online! 2 can't forget| let it all fall

[09 Jan 2004|06:43pm] I should really update, eh? Well things at the barn still havent worked out all the way yet. I dont have to sell my horse though, I'm just leasing her out to 2 people. Then Sheri is moving to a barn in Wylie so I can ride her a lot. I'm only going out to Sugars barn once every week now, so I dont have to deal with the people. So that's mucho bueno. Lets see... I gained like 2 lbs. ... but I hope that's just because I got my nasty period for the first time in like...7 months I think? Yeah, I hope so... Alright, time to go. let it all fall

[03 Jan 2004|05:51pm] So does the world really hate me as much as it seems right now? Yeah, i think it really does. I swear I havent stopped crying since 11 this afternoon. God!!!! I quit! OOOOh my god I dont even know what to do! The barn was such hell today *shakes head* People were being bitches....Emily invited a whole bunch of people to her house and I was walking by and heard sarah say 'well what about Brandi, is she coming?' and Emily said "oh..she doesnt need to know about it" I mean, come on...do people really hate me that much? So then I go and get on my horse and ALL debbie says to me the whole lesson is 'you wont beat chelsea riding like that' 'you cant win an eq. class with your legs looking like that' 'maybe this is why chelsea always beats you' Come on people! She's supposed to be my trainer, not somebody to criticise my every move! So yeah, I got off of sugar crying and just called my mom and told her to come pick me up. I ran out of the barn into SarahLee's stall so I wouldnt have to talk to anybody. When my mom got to the barn I just broke down ... I mean, I literally fell apart. I just sat there and told her that I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to do it and I couldnt handle the people and the compotition. So she emailed Debbie and told her that Sugar is for sale and that we will be moving Sheri and she gave her the price to sell sugar at and my tail set and suit. I mean...I'm happy that I dont have to do this anymore and that I'll be away from all the people, but I never ever planned on selling Sugar. She's my life...I love her so much it's unreal. The only good thing about this is that I'm getting a goat out of it. lol. I just dont know what to do anymore..I think it's just the aspect of having a trainer and having to please her is what's bothering me so much..and if I could just ride for fun and not be so stressed at the shows then I'd enjoy riding again. So in a way this is good cus I'll be doing exactly that..just riding Sheri for fun and playing with my little goatie. I'm going out to the barn tomorrow to take pictures of my little Sugar girly :) that'll be fun. So that's all for now. let it all fall

[02 Jan 2004|06:58pm] [ mood | crazy ] AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! My computer is alive again! It was completely dead...like...just, yeah..gone. So yes, sorry for the lack of updates, but that is all over now :) So much shit has happened and not all of it is good, but ah, I'm happy today so it doesn't matter and I'm not going to talk about it right now! So yes, I shall start updating more...and update about everything! 1 can't forget| let it all fall

[22 Dec 2003|02:00pm] That fast lasted long (sarcasm). I went to six flags yesterday and screwed it up. Gah! It was so much fun though! I only rode the titan cus I was too scared to go on the superman. It was really fun spending time with amber, michelle, and randall. haha Michelle wouldnt go on any rides at all and at the end of the day she decided to go on the bungee jumping thing, so amber and randall went with her...*shakes head* crazy people. then this morning, amber and michelle went to the barn with me and rode Sheri and watched me ride Magic..who was an ass today. lol. 'twas fun. I'm kinda worried about anne though, she looked like she'd been crying and my mom told me that her mom had been up since 3 this morning yelling at her...so yeah, I have to go call her. Good day let it all fall

[21 Dec 2003|11:19am] [ mood | content ] I didn't lie....today is day one of my liquid fast *does a happy dance* all the way till christmas let it all fall

[20 Dec 2003|06:11pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | good charolette - hold on ] I'm sooooo tired I went to Anne's house last night after our barn Christmas party and it was just absolute hell. I feel so incredibly sorry for her, it's not even real. I mean, I knew her mom was bad, but I had no idea. We came home from the party and we were in her room. Her mom comes in bitching because Anne put her moms clean sheets on the floor. So just to make her happy, we go and make her bed for her. While we're doing that, she's sitting there calling Anne a stupid little bitch and tellnig her that they'd have to increase her IQ for her to even be a moron. And I mean, this went on for literally and hour before she finally shut up. and anne just sat there and took it...like she always does when her mom goes on a power trip. So we went upstairs into her room and put on our pajamas and laid down. We started talking and before I knew it, anne was sitting there crying on my shoulder. I have only seen her cry once before and it was when her grandma died, so this was really odd for me... she doesn't cry in front of anyone. So I sat there and listened to her talk about how her mom beats her and how she gets straight A's but they're not good enought A's for her mom. By the end of the night, she had me telling her all the things that my dad has done to me just to let her know that I know what she's going through and I know what getting the shit beat out of you is like. It was so scary because she was just openly talking to me about how she wanted to kill herself and everything her mom has ever done to her. It was just a weird night I guess... We did manage to have fun at the christmas party though. Me and Anne both tried to stay away from the food...and actually succeeded. lol. I ended up getting a makeup kit thing in our chinese gift exchange. She got a picture of Periaptor (a really really really really nice horse)and some other cute gray horse. Then we raced on our play horses and yeah, it was a lot of fun. I just feel so different when I'm around Anne. It's like all of the world has disapeared and it's just us...and I nkow how gay and cheesy that sounds, but it's true. She means a lot to me, I mean, she's the only one at the barn that isnt a rich stuck up snob, besides Dani. She just understands me and everything that I've been through from my dad to my eating disorders, because she's been through it too. There's a lot more I need to say about things going on at the barn, because it's really just gone to hell up there...but I dont want to type anymore, so I'm going to leave with this: I love you Ambria/Nick!!! 1 can't forget| let it all fall

[18 Dec 2003|05:55pm] [ mood | frustrated ] Oh hell no. The scale can not read what it does. there is no way I weigh 112. Starting Sunday I'm going on a major fast. I can;t get out of eating tomorrow cus I have a party and I can't on Saturday cus I'm going to eat with my dad. So starting sunday, it's water only for me. 1 can't forget| let it all fall

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