Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	hello - evanesence

Okay, because of lack of time, I'm just going to update with what I wrote in my paper journal today:


2-18-04

I asked Amber for help last night. I can't do this on my own anymore. I want to get better, I want to be able to eat again, but I know that won't happen unless I get help. It's like, I want someone to find out so I can openly talk about this, but I'm still scared to death that someone will find out. I know, it's crazy right? But i'm just so tired of this. I dont want to run to the bathroom after every time I eat. I dont want to cut myself because I broke my fast, or because I had an extra hundred calories that day.I dont want to wake up at 3:30 a.m anymore to run off all of my daily calories. I just don't want this anymore. But no matter what I do, I still look in the mirror and see a huge, huge person. I mena, I don't kow if it's an illusion or if it's real any more. You know what sucks? when you totally junk out at lunch, and your going to the bathroom to get rid of it, and your friend decides to go w/ you. Ha, our class is so fucked up. Alyssa had to go to the bathroom, and our teacher wouldn't let her, so the whole class started singing the 'gotta go right now' song. How stupid can they get? Then when she got back they sand the 'and I don't have to go right now' song. Okay, if my scale is right, I weigh about 114-115. I want to weigh 100 by summer vacation. Which is 3 1/2 months away. So I would have to lose roughly 5 lbs. a month. I think that I can do that if I restrict like crazy and fast a little bit. I guess that for right now, my goal is to just stop throwing up. I have to take it one step at a time. I konw if I just start eating normally again and stop purging all at the same time, it will just keep comeing back. So no, I'm not going to try that.